10 Mistakes All Girlfriends Make

I would never, ever consider myself the perfect girlfriend. Even though I've had my fair share of practice at it, I have managed to royally fuck up more than once.
After ending a ridiculously dysfunctional relationship with a guy who I managed to have screaming matches with over things as futile as fried chicken, I vowed that when I found a better guy I would do things better.

My first step was finding a worse guy. A gay photographer with "commitment" issues. Turns out the only thing he ever managed to commit to was a subscription to Vogue. At least we had things in common.

Once I finally found a guy who is as lovely as he is hairy, I was excited to change. The only problem was that I still found myself making little mistakes along the way.
The other night, after devouring 2 bags of Haribos and 3 Diet Cokes (and 2 bags of chocolate buttons...shut up) I was wide awake and started writing down what it was I was doing wrong and what I should be doing instead when it occured to me - these little mistakes I make are made by almost all girls I know. I realised all the things I've done wrong, as well as things my friends have done wrong.
So I decided to compile a list, for the girls and their agitated boyfriends out there:

10 Mistakes All Girlfriends Make...And How To Fix Them

1. Give A Man Space When He Needs It
This isn't my biggest failing as a girlfriend, as I'm often the type who fits their boyfriend around their friends instead of the other way around, but even so I slip up every now and then. When I had the flu a few weeks ago my social calender was suddenly a lot less busy and all I wanted was to rely on a man to look after me. Sometimes a girl just feels like that. I was contemplating calling up my boyfriend asking him to look after me while I was coughing every five seconds and going through more tissues in a night than a 13 year old boy; but then I realised that he had already looked after me the night before and really deserved some time with his guy friends. Not only that, his guy friends deserved some time with him. Men aren't like women, they don't call up their friends 5 times a day just to say they miss them from the last phone call, they like and need space.

2. Be Straightforward
As if it isn't obvious, men and women are wired totally differently. Men's minds are totally straightforward, and a man will invariably say exactly what he means. Women, however, are totally different. Every woman knows that the cryptic phrases 'whatever' 'it's fine' and 'do what you want' have a whole host of tricky meanings. If a man says it's fine, it's fine. If you want a man to know it isn't, just say so.
I see it with my parents all the time. My Mum will say "ugh, I'm too tired to walk the dog today" and my Dad will smile obliviously not understanding that he's about to be in trouble for not walking the dog, picking up the groceries and running her in a bath. In other words, women can be a fucking pain.
If you need a man to understand what you want or need, just be straight with them, you can't expect them to guess, and you certainly can't be angry when they don't guess right.

3. Always Make An Effort
One of the easiest mistakes a girl can make is get lazy with making an effort, in spite of how easy it is to. I'm not even talking about with your hair or your make-up or your clothes, because let's face it - no man will notice whether your totally passé studded ankle boots are from Topshop or River Island. What I am really referring to is down under. I challenge you to find an excuse to genuinely be "too busy" to shave down there and wear nice underwear. Unless you have your hours filled up trying to save the world and the only way you can keep warm is with a full bush and some recycled knickers, you better haul ass to Boots and buy your disgusting self a razor. So many girls I know make this mistake when I see them pulling out off-white floral printed underwear from M&S that's big enough to wear as a bonnet. There is no excuse, Primark do cheaper underwear that is actually nice. Yes I went there.

4. Never Emasculate A Man
The worst thing in the world you can do to a man is emasculate him. This includes everything from flicking his flaccid penis to laughing at him when he can't parallel park. Not that I've done either of those.. Either way, this one speaks for itself, let him be a man. It's not like any boy would take away your femininity.

5. Never Try To Change A Man
So many girls fuck up relationships by trying to change the person they are with. Whether it's making him dress like a douche or trying to encroach on his favourite habits, if you don't like the guy you are with them leave him. It's not fair to change anyone, aside from anything it won't work. There have been times where I've wanted to slap my boyfriend for being too stoned to physically text me and even worse, not loving sushi. At those times I've just had to think, if he wasn't so stoned all the time he would lose all the other qualities I love about him, and if he wants to get high all day with his brother, then I'll go shopping all day with my sister. As for the sushi...well there's not much I can do there. 

6. Be Independent Always
The one thing I have thankfully always managed to do right is balance out my friends, family and boyfriend. I've never understood girls that drop everything the moment they get a boyfriend and disregard those around them as well as themselves. Aside from anything, this puts way too much pressure on a guy. I know girls who base their life around their boyfriends...that's a lot for a boy to handle when he has his own life to lead as well. It's like Woody Allen once said "I wouldn't want to be part of a club that would have me for a member" meaning that any girl who idolised him so much he could never respect. Nothing is sexier than a girl who runs her own life, and nothing more of a turn off than one that relies on a guy to run it for her.

7. Appreciate Kind Words and Efforts
I fucked up a lot with this one recently. And always. My mensch of a man made me breakfast in bed. Cinnamon swirl pancakes with a heart swirled onto the top layer. Of course I decided to show my gratitude by cutting the cinnamon heart in half and pretending it didn't exist. Like a bitch. I probably didn't know how to react to the niceness...but it wasn't cool. Since I've had to learn that it's hard for boys to do nice things, and even harder if you're a dick about it. 

8. Imagine Bad Actions In Reverse
This is what my friend Alex taught me. Whenever I did or said something hurtful, she would always remind me to consider how it would feel if I was treated the way I treat a boy. When I would upload pictures of me and my favourite guy friends all drunk and rowdy on a night out, I wouldn't think for a second how I would feel if I saw a picture of my guy draped in half dressed girls.

9. Tea And Blowjobs
This might look like a joke, but tea and blowjobs are a very essential part of any relationship. It is what can only be described as the bare minimum of selflessness as a girlfriend. These are of course the two things a guy will ask you for almost all the time that make you think "ugh." Every now and then when you are asked to make a cup of tea or give a nice blowjob, just leave the ughs aside and do it. Yeah it sucks, excuse the pun, but it has to be done. 

10. No Needy Word Vomit
Girls talk too much. Much too much. After a while they find themselves talking about the wrong thing, whether it's other guys or spewing something insulting. The worst of the worst is the girlfriends that spend their time asking inane questions like "what are you thinking?" and "what's wrong?" If you haven't been dumped already for this driller behaviour, fucking stop it. Refer to no2, if a guy wanted to tell you "what's wrong" then he would have by now.

Well that's about it for now, any criticisms or opinions are welcome as always!

Olivia Jane

xx