It's been a hectic week of telling myself I wasn't going to go out that much. Of course I was reeled in by insidious acronyms such as 'YOLO' and 'FOMO' thus ending up in Birmingham with the word 'SLAG' scrawled on my breasts by my questionable best friend Alice.
It was after this week of back to back hangovers that I decided to stop off in London to relax with my family and farm of animals. While I was sat in the car with my parents after our routine 'mani, pedi, thready' (yes that includes my Dad) we got onto the topic of the Blozzer Whore.
The Blozzer Whore is a girl who insists on never sleeping with any guys, but sucks more cock than a gay porn star. "I didn't want to sleep with him and have a bad reputation" they say "so I just blew him instead." Classy birds.
This topic really got me thinking. My mother seems to see me as some infamous whore for sleeping with two guys in my life, both of which I was in a relationship with. Even though I have never remotely gotten around, I've managed to come across as more promiscuous than these 'virginal' girls who, at the end of the day, end up with little more than a serious case of jaw-lock.
So this post is really my question to the Blozzer Whores of the world...why bother?
As far as I know, the only girls who genuinely enjoy performing fellatio are either serial dieters who just plain want something in their mouth or drunk. Of course this doesn't mean the average girl won't comply for the right guy, after all if they're nice enough to pay for our meals and pretend they like spooning - why wouldn't we want them to feel good?
But my question is, why would these girls want to do something they get nothing back from to virtual strangers? Especially if it's in order to NOT feel slutty..
My favourite red-head's mother always says "You don't want to get around too much, after all what if you meet your Machatunim and you realise you've blown one of them!" Wisest Yiddisha words I've ever heard.
Thinking about this, clearly when we live in this North West London bubble, whatever we do will come around.
It's hard not to realise that for every guy we do something with, it's only statistically likely that we'll end up bumping into them while dropping our kids off at Habs, JFS or UCS. Talk about an awkward conversation with your kid
"Why did Jacob Rubenstein's Dad look at you funny?"
"Oh, sweetie, he fingered me in Fresher's Year."
It's bad enough for me knowing that my mother dated various of my friends fathers, thankfully she was frigid enough that there are no stories being passed on. For our generation however...I can't see it being as easy.
so here's where our parents used to go clubbing together...
It turns out that for our generation, it might just be so that the blowjob is the most infamous mark of getting around. Well...if you ignore that one girl in North West London who takes it up the ass...a lot. Naturally everyone does it, but no guy will be afraid to tell his friends all about it. The only thing worse than being The Blowjob Girl however is The Bad Blowjob Girl.
We discovered the pressures of this one drunken night this week where we ended up with a biro covered banana and a very strict diagram engraved in it.
Yes girls get up to these things. It was a long couple of hours. No we're not proud of it. However much girls don't like doing it, at least we're perfectionists. Unless of course we're pretending to have tonsillitis.
So even if you are the Blozzer Whore, the Anal Girl, or even the girl who likes to take it in the ear (who knows) the main thing to bear in mind is to do what you do well.
After all, they don't call it a job for nothing, let's not risk getting fired.
Olivia Jane
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