Posessive or Obsessive?

A few months ago I was getting ready to go out with some of my guy friends when I started questioning whether or not it would irritate my boyfriend to see me scantily clad with a group of boys. At this point my friend Yas told me that when he has a girlfriend, he doesn't let her go out clubbing at all. After all, why should she go clubbing and be surrounded by single men when she has a boyfriend? At first I thought this was absurd, but I considered it a write-off considering how stupidly good-looking the boy is; I figured no girl could argue with that face.

After a while however, I started to see a pattern in my guy friends, and boyfriends of my friends alike. One girl told me that her boyfriend had certain outfits he would ban her from wearing out, while another wouldn’t let her so much as be photographed with another guy. It turns out that this kind of possessive, controlling behaviour isn’t just limited to clubbing. It ranges all the way from constant phone calls and texts to psychotic accusations followed by heartfelt apologies. What I have been wondering is why I have never been with a guy like this.

A wise person once told me that if all your exes have a flaw in common, the only thing they have in common is you. This is to say that we all attract a certain type of person and tend to behave similarly with each, thus creating a pattern. It’s fair to say that a lot of it is to do with upbringing. Any girl lucky enough to be born with a paternal influence in her life knows that her father sets the bar for all men. As my father is completely relaxed, non-judgemental and just a little effeminate I have always attracted a certain type of boys. Stoners. (And the odd gay guy but that’s a whole other thing).

Regardless of the type of guy however, they have all treated me the same. As a teenager growing up I didn’t carry out the standard routine of hiding my short skirt in my bag and rushing out the house dressed like a Hasmo girl. Instead I would come downstairs in whatever inappropriate outfit I had chosen and ask my dad’s opinion. At which point he would tell me I look fierce no matter what. (A little effeminate, as I said).  I believe that it’s because of this upbringing that I have never felt the need to ask the guys I date if I’m allowed to make those kind of choices.

Similarly I see girls all the time with controlling fathers that end up with controlling boyfriends and not realising that the way they are being treated isn’t actually okay because it is all they are used to.

There is of course a positive side to this kind of boyfriend. As I always go for such chilled guys, it seems that sometimes they don’t care about anything, including their girlfriends. Being the sort of girl that likes to get a good few things done in a day it’s never really bothered me, but as I started to notice my friends getting constant messages from their boyfriends I realised that I was the odd one out. I started to wonder why my boyfriends never get jealous of other guys, or feel the need to constantly check up on me to see where I am and what I’m doing. It made me feel a little undesired.

This is when it occurred to me, it is actually because they might just trust me. Simple as that. They know that I wouldn’t betray them regardless of where I’m going or what I’m wearing so they don’t feel the need to police me all the time. It seems that this kind of behaviour is not just possessive but obsessive. After all, if your boyfriend is possessive doesn’t that fundamentally make you a possession? 

This just truly defines the two types of love, possessive and inclusive. Possessive love is the kind that you feel for your car or phone. You want to show it off, you love having it as yours and you couldn’t handle the idea of it belonging to anyone else. But when you love something possessive, it is totally one sided. You don’t care about what is best for it, you just care about having it as yours. This is why so many boys are comfortable making their girlfriends feel insecure, as long as they know they are truly theirs.

Inclusive love is more the kind of love you would have for your dog. You feel happy when they’re happy, you don’t want them to get hurt in any way and you will do whatever is best for them no matter what. Yes I am advising boys to treat their girlfriends like dogs, ground breaking stuff.

I personally don’t know how any boy can strike a balance, I just know there should be one. The real question is, would you rather your boyfriend treats you like someone he owns and phones, or adores and ignores?

Something to think about..

Olivia Jane