Skip to main content

The Ex Factor



This week has shown a shift in the weather, and as a result a shift in absolutely all else. All over campus students have been frolicking in the sun in their hot pants and sunglasses…that is during the intervals between slaving at the library in pools of sweat and sitting exams in even bigger ones. As a girl somewhat averse to the library and all it entails (pasty people, books, my sister and friends being pasty and reading books) I have spent the majority of my time outside.

It is during this time in the sun that I have been able to see what the change in weather has really had an effect on – couples. Walking to lunch I noticed that almost everyone was coupled up, as if someone told them that Portland is the new Noah’s Ark. I was watching one of these summertime couples picking out sandwiches in Portland Boots yesterday, and actually found myself smiling at how sweet they were together…this was until the boyfriend misconstrued my smiling as flirting and proceeded to look me up and down and wink. As I said, sweet.

Once I was done being a little offended and a little interested in Pervy from Portland, I considered that this sickly sweet romantic mood in the air was not exclusive to this year or this University, but seems to spread like swine flu every Summer and Winter. It seems that in the Winter we get cold and snuggle up like penguins, while in the Summer everything heats up in its own way. Not only this, but every year the transitional months seem to bring break ups like wildfire. Spring saw me and most of my best friends ending our respective relationships, and brought back memories of comforting friends with Ben & Jerry’s and red wine during the Autumnal months (although realistically the wine was for me, because listening to any girl cry for 3 hours requires a bit of personal sedation).

It was during this revelation that I thought, in this Summer fever of romance, happiness and above all daytime alcoholism; how is everyone treating the relationships they shed in the Spring?
Fortunately for me, I have my best friend’s experiences as well as my own to help me reflect on this idea. It seems that everyone deals with a break up in a different way and in different stages, but who is to say what the right way is? If I can’t show you the right method, I can certainly show you 3 wrong ones.


Method A – Replacement
There is an age old saying “don’t fix it if it aint broke.” Well for some of my friends, it is a little more like “if it is broke, throw it out and get a new one.” Whether we’re talking about mascara or boyfriends, I see this one a lot. This ‘replacement’ strategy comes in two different forms: casual and committed. 
The first type is more often than not involving alcohol. This is for the girls that are on a revenge rampage, the ‘fuck it, I’m single’ girls. One of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend a month ago, at which point she proceeded to put on her heels and let me wingman her towards any and all available men, like some sort of whore shepherd…or pimp for that matter. For girls like her, it was all about filling the empty void with instant gratification and impulsive actions. Taking charge of her love life one hapless unsuspecting boy at a time, as it were. 
this is the only picture I could get of a wingman...

The second type of replacement strategy is the boyfriending strategy. This is for the girls that are looking for an arm round their shoulder, instead of a vodka soaked tongue down their throat. Now this does not apply to the exceptions of girls whose break ups involve a realisation that they should be with the person they’ve loved all along, but rather the girls that go out looking for their next love before the paint has even dried on their break up. These girls are essentially a danger to themselves, as they blindly form romantic attachments to their male friends, strangers and quite possibly cats. As a girl who has never followed this particular strategy, I can’t provide much insight except for that this is undoubtedly a bad way to deal with a break up.


Method B – Fake Break
The only thing I believe to be more unhealthy than replacing a relationship is never really ending it. It seems that while most girls are accused of faking tans and orgasms, what goes unnoticed is that they are faking break ups too.
Countless numbers of my friends have fallen victim to this, and surprisingly enough it is more often down to the boy. One of my best friends has been in an ‘on again, off again’ relationship for the better part of my knowing her, and so when she broke up with the guy most recently neither of them actually treated it as a break up. He was still calling her and texting her and they were still arguing about things that shouldn’t concern each other. Not only this, but another of my friends ex’s took advantage of her empathy and essentially guilted her into a few extra weeks of relationship.
This ‘fake break’ method ensures neither party is ever able to get over the relationship, because it is never truly over. These girls are like relationship hoarders, and essentially put their exs in storage instead of throwing them out.
Queen of not getting the fuck over it ^


Method C – Denial
If denying that a relationship is over seems bad, you can only imagine the damage done by girls that deny it ever really happened. This is the method of ‘we broke up, you need to not exist.’ Unfortunately for University students, this isn’t the easiest method to pursue while we are all cooped up in the same little microcosm like sexually awkward chickens.
For Jewish University students, you have as much luck getting away with not seeing your ex as you do getting away with bringing a convict to Friday night dinner.
 In spite of the odds, I’ve seen girls try this method over and over. It goes a little something like “I have deleted his number, his bbm, his facebook, unfollowed him on twitter and hid behind a falafel shop today in Golders Green to avoid eye contact with his mum.” It seems that if we’re going to avoid an ex, we need to do so physically and virtually in order to be successful. At the end of the day though, this will never be successful because no matter how much of a scene is made at the time, the awkward run in will always happen.


I believe that in the world of break ups, it actually doesn’t matter how or when you see your ex because the only thing that will make it ok is the peace that comes from time and acceptance. For me, I never felt the need to tamper with the fate of my most recent break up. I may have reacted a little at first, but then who is to say that throwing out his clothes along with getting with half of Cocotang and a gay guy is that unhealthy for the first week..

Jokes aside, I think once you are happy in being single and at peace with your ex there is actually nothing that needs dealing with. I see all my ex’s as friends, and more importantly confidants. It may be a case of my own personal luck, but I am in a sunny place with myself and my life no matter what the weather and would wish the same on anyone that I care about, past or present in my life. For the meantime, I’d advise all girls to be happy with their decisions, whether single, in a relationship or just plain going with the flow like me. Unless of course you’re that girl from Boots in Portland, because your boyfriend is a prick. A hot prick..


I hope you enjoyed the read, and look forward to your suggestion as always!

Olivia Jane

xx

Comments

  1. My husband was so fast and smooth In hiding his infidelities I was so curious and I needed to clear my doubts immediately. I hired the services of hacksecrete@gmail .com.after seeing several recommendations about his good services To my surprise he got my job done and delivered within 3 hours. I'm so pleased and satisfied with his services full of sincerity and swiftness. you can as well whatsapp or text him on +1 (774) 202-9445

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Can anyone really play 'hard to get'?

  Hello team of loyal readers (a small handful of my mum's friends and some people in India) I was actually not intending to defibrillate this blog back to life again, but here we are ladies, gents and everyone in-between. On Monday night, I sat down with my girls to watch the first episode of a profoundly intellectual documentary that subverts all our ideas about love and relationships. Yep, it was Love Island.  As with all group arrangements to watch TV, it soon dissipated into chaos of talking over the show and me spilling prosecco on the couch. Because my friends are actually more interesting than watching people suck each other's toes in HD (but only just) this wasn't such a bad thing. The topic of the night was all about how and when to message a guy who you're in the early stages of dating. My god it is a motherfucking minefield. Every single option has an equal and opposite.  If you message after the date to say thank you, is it keen?  But then if you don't ...

They Always Come Back

I remember the first times a fuckboy ever broke my heart, my best friend said to me "they always come back." At the time, if I recall correctly, I was in our student house wearing a giant purple onesie with pools of eyeliner down my face and two cigarettes in my hand. Looking like what can best be described as  Barney the Dinosaur's cracked out ex-wife, I shouted back 'AS FUCKING IF'. Eloquent young lady I was. But seriously - as fucking if. As if some douchebag who shouldn't have won the race against the other sperm to join this planet was going to magically 'come back' and save the day. The thing is though...she was right. I have had all sorts of break ups. Messy break ups, clean breaks, break ups over MSN, WhatsApp, FaceTime and even once via my sister on the phone mimicking my voice. No matter what though, in some way or another they do always come back. There aren't many things I'm afraid of. Spiders? No problem - they're...

How to annoy your boyfriend in Tier-2

Hello loyal readers/bored people, I was not actually planning to write another blog post but as the prophetic Messiah that I am, it has come to me in a dream. I wouldn't want to piss off the big girl upstairs by ignoring her wishes - so here we go! I'm sure you've all heard the absolutely stunning news that our fair city is being put on the naughty step once again and now we are forced to see virtually no-one but our parents, lest risk frozen nipples in visiting our friends outdoors. If I didn't know any better, I'd be quite sure that Sadiq Khan had been put up to this by a committee of Jewish mothers, but I digress. For many of us, the first real lockdown was spent living with our partners - a government enforced Love Island 'test' if you will. Of course benefitting by the fact that should your head be turned, there's really fuck all else to go.  So many of my friends have enlightened me to the many pleasures of being locked in with a person who they on...