So for any of you that don't know me from my cake blog, I am Olivia Jane and I don't have boundaries.
Nice to meet you.
I've started this blog because I realised just how much I wanted to talk about all my thoughts on love, sex, relationships and friendships, especially during my first year of University.
I was completely clogging my cake blog with it, and people looking for a nice Tiramisu recipe were suddenly bombarded with a hoard of awkward sexual references. So here is the new home of all of that.
You're probably wondering what this blog title is about. Well aside from being the title of a great song, it is my way of saying that my first post is going to be about cheating; that being whether or not loose lips really do sink proverbial ships (or relationships for that matter).
In the world of female victimised cheating, there is never really much room for controversy over the magnitude of backlash expected from said girl, and of course her group of loyal friends; needless to say, a woman betrayed is a force to be reckoned with. This is, of course, not a modern idea.
Loose Lips Drown Greeks:
Take Clytemnestra, wife of Agamemnon, the Ancient Greek war hero.
(If you don't recognise his name, he's the guy that kept yelling at Brad Pitt in Troy, during the scenes where he shouldn't have been wearing a toga)
Not only did Clytemnestra's husband kill her daughter, but he decided to fuck off to Troy conveniently quickly afterwards and bring back a sex slave, Cassandra, to be Clytemnestra's new house guest.
Clytemnestra did what any rational woman would do in this situation: set up a series of torches across Greece to track his return, intimidate the crap out of his new woman and kill him in the bath.
Well...what any rational woman would do in their head.
My point is, irrelevant to the time, place or society, cheating always feels the same. We focus so very much on how cheating feels to the victim that we actually spend very little time considering why it actually happened in the first place.
When Un-Cheating Happens:
In my opinion there are countless reasons why someone can cheat, but just as many that stop people from cheating. As a person who has been in a fair few long term relationships, I am always very sceptical when it comes to the 'I didn't know what I was doing, I tripped over something and fell into her vagina' scenarios. (Not to say that can't happen, I can only assume that's how my malcoordinated friend Casey was conceived)
I have found myself in this one situation many times:
My lovely ex is an infinitely trustworthy and loyal guy. He prefers low key nights getting high with his friends, so when we were together,often he would be chilling local while I was out on the town with my girlfriends. therefore making me the potential flight risk.
I would be in my tight dress with a couple of shots of tequila down my throat and suddenly realise the incongruity of my situation - I was a relationship girl wrapped up and shipped out to look like a single one. The thing that I always realised though, no matter how good looking the crowd was or how much I'd drunk, so long as I was happy in my relationship I didn't feel the remotest need to touch anyone else.
As the relationship wore thin however, as all relationships do, I found myself wanting to embrace emotionally cheating. Even though still a form of un-cheating, the act of seeing how far you can push your boundaries while staying faithful is almost as bad as cheating itself. I accused my friend of this the other day, as he decided that saying he wanted to have a threesome with me and my sister was alright, as long as he didn't actually do it. I had to point out that his being in a relationship was not the only reason why that image didn't sit well with me.
Whether we do this to test the water, build up our confidence or simply see if we can get away with it, it's just a sign of something else wrong.
When Loose Lips Don't Sink Ships:
My best friend's boyfriend cheated on her. Open, I know. Even though it was a complete breach of her trust and the foundation of their relationship, it was an isolated drunken incident. This made her feel comfortable (several months down the line) to forgive him and take him back.
Although she knows she's opening herself up to the possibility of being hurt again, not to mention a torrid rebuke from those that bore witness to the indecency, she also knows the heart wants what it wants.
I can't say for sure that him cheating on her meant that he didn't love her. All I know with hopeful confidence is that he loves her now.
Considering where their relationship was prior to the cheating, this may have just been what they needed to put some maturity into it. At the time they were dabbling with things new couples are familiar with, such as 'breaks for the summer' and 'open holidays', which do very little more than make the idea of cheating a comfortable presence in the relationship.
It almost seems that this boundary had to be pushed, so that the relationship could reboot itself with some new found perspective.
Of course I'm ready to give the guy a second circumcision if he fucks up again, but for now it seems like he's learnt to value what he lost; and if she is one of the only girls left willing to put her heart on the line after being hurt then good luck to her.
That's where i stand for now...its 3am.
I'd love to hear any of your thoughts/opinions on this subject or suggestions for my next post!
Olivia Jane
xx
The post ' When Un-Cheating happens' is a much needed awakening, never really saw it as emotionally cheating but you are completely right. Pretty insightful
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Glad you liked it :)
DeleteIt's 4 am and i'm pretty mercked but i enjoyed the article and have some points in response... x
ReplyDeleteA most interesting article though I might like to point out the fact that it seems hampered by implications in your analogies that it is only boys who cheat. While I'm sure you don't believe this, whether subconsciously or not you have set up an erroneous world where cheating is male dominated. As i gather this was not the intention, I wandered if (perhaps in a new blog) you might like to articulate the differences in loyalty between the sexes and different modes they divulge this behaviour.
Though I don't wish to encroach on your reply, I believe that cheating is passive (ie being chirpsed) or active (whipping out big game to procure a bang). Though I don't wish to stereotype, a girl seems more likely to cheat passively. This is naturally defined by sexist undertones that dictate the man as the pursuer. As such, men are in a stronger position to not cheat as they must actively try to cheat or be reckless (on a night out per se) as to whether they do or not. So it says little for male character, that men seem more prone to cheating. The question is, is this driven by repression of our vulgar animal instinct to procreate on a see-it-fuck-it basis? As ever, it seems our prefrontal lobes are too small, our adrenal glands too big, our thought process is penis heavy and relationships are fuck up central. Are men destined for failure? Can men be tamed? Should females be put on the same power-pedestal sexually, as men (eg girl who has lots of sex = sket; boy = hero; should be changed?).
My last point, is on drunkeness, which you touched on. (sorry to be so ostentatious but) in law a drunken intent is still an intent and voluntary intoxication will not be an excuse to an offence (in short, getting mercked and rubbing your cock on a police officer is still sexual assault - this actually happened). This is based on the reasoning that someone shouldn't be allowed to get drunk and then be above the law. In the same way a person should not be allowed to get drunk and cheat. So, can drunkeness be an excuse? Should it be?
Ballabriggs 2k12
Thank you so much for this response! So refreshing to find someone that has really thought this through.
DeleteFirst of all, about it being mostly focused on male cheating is quite a fair comment. I do see where you come from completely, although if you see the part about the tempation situation that I've been faced with I think it gives a bit of a counter view. I find your idea that cheating is more active for men very interesting. I think it really depends on the type of girls, and boys for that matter that you're dealing with. Although the stereotypical boy in a club is largely more dominant in the situation; I know many boys that are shy to the point of having 'no game' and girls who take a more predatory role. I've actually found myself taking this stance in recent weeks.
I like the question you ask, and I think that anything is possible in terms of men being tamed and women morphing into men with their attitudes to sex. Thankfully we're not only driven by our hormones, so a strength in personality can make all the difference.
Your last point, on drunkenness. It really reminded me of when I studied law, that principle of drunken intent. I suppose if we were to take it the same way then it's fair to say it has no implication on the crime, and possibly even makes it worse. I used to say to my boyfriend 'you being drunk doesn't make it an excuse, it means you allowed yourself to be that drunk and get into that situation.' I think that people with any alcohol experience should know their limits and how they are liable to behave. In the matter of my friend's boyfriend, I think it's simply a matter of it being an alcohol fuelled mistake, forgiveable only by the fact that it did not become a regular practice.
Thank you so much for your input, and I'd love for you to follow and let me know when you next have some ideas, I'll be sure to include them in one of my next posts.
Olivia Jane
Loved Blakes in depth analysis, made the blog all that more enjoyable.
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