It seems like a ridiculously simple question.
Most everyone I know wouldn't think twice before answering 'yes' to it.
However obvious an answer this is though; I can almost guarantee that as soon as they've blurted out their indignant yes's, their mind goes to one place.
That one friendship.
That one person.
That one moment where you suddenly questioned the very temperature of the relationship, and then made yourself forget all about it, before it ruined everything.
In my opinion this is why everyone answers so quickly, because so many of us have friendships so valuable that we wouldn't want to let ourselves sully them with the mess of hormones and emotions - so we just don't let the thought enter our minds.
When Harry Met Sally
Thankfully, there have been some rare occasions where people do stop to think about it. Take 'When Harry Met Sally.' Those of you that haven't seen this movie deserve a slap. Those of you that have probably only remember this part.
What is so much more valuable to remember however, is this conversation:
Harry and Sally do of course in the end have sex, and fall in love.
This isn't an isolated case by any means.
In 2011 the two Black Swan actresses managed to use their lesbian screen time fame to land roles in identical rom-coms.
'No Strings Attached' and 'Friends With Benefits' both shared the same conclusion as Harry - the only thing that gets in the way of a friendship is sex. Of course, I could've been told this before sitting through painful hours of watching Justin Timberlake getting to know Mila's Kunis...with my parents.
'If the sex thing is already out there, the friendship is ultimately doomed.'
There's no ignoring what Harry says, although largely a male perspective it shines a surprisingly all inclusive light on the situation. In wholly disregarding his theory, I'd have to be implying that all forms of natural attraction and sexual chemistry we find in the people we meet are blinded by friendship.
I challenge any girl to say 'Oh, is Brad Pitt good looking? I see him as a friend.'
ANYWAY, you get my point.
If anything, should we find ourselves suddenly attracted to a person, surely them being someone who's personality is so appealing to us that we've chosen them as a close friend - the friendship itself will only be a catalyst to the attraction.
That said, perhaps the members of the opposite sex that we do choose to be our best friends must be in some way initially attractive to us. If that's the case, then we're actually setting ourselves up for the inevitable every time.
Can Men and Women be Friends...if there are no Benefits?
Although Harry insists that the sex thing is always already out there; until the two friends actually have sex can you really be sure of what it means?
Unfortunately, biology is not on womankind's side for this one.
When a man has sex, afterwards he drifts off into mental cloud of sleepiness, sandwiches and Fifa. At which point he must retreat to solitary Man Island for a while.
When a woman has sex however, she is afterwards left with a rush of dopamine as well as a whole cocktail of hormones that make her suddenly attached to the man she's with. I like to call this the 'Cavewoman Coma.' This is because we're genetically hard-wired to cling to the potential father of our children and thus can't help but feel this haze of irrational gooeyness - regardless of the guy.
It looks a little something like this:
This evolutionary problem creates an epic grey area, because it can leave very little disparity for a girl between love and sex, especially when you're dealing with a friend who you essentially already 'love'.
In spite of this, many of us still manage to walk around in the real world after having casual sex without any Ron Burgundy-esque outbursts the whole next day.
Most everyone I know wouldn't think twice before answering 'yes' to it.
However obvious an answer this is though; I can almost guarantee that as soon as they've blurted out their indignant yes's, their mind goes to one place.
That one friendship.
That one person.
That one moment where you suddenly questioned the very temperature of the relationship, and then made yourself forget all about it, before it ruined everything.
In my opinion this is why everyone answers so quickly, because so many of us have friendships so valuable that we wouldn't want to let ourselves sully them with the mess of hormones and emotions - so we just don't let the thought enter our minds.
When Harry Met Sally
Thankfully, there have been some rare occasions where people do stop to think about it. Take 'When Harry Met Sally.' Those of you that haven't seen this movie deserve a slap. Those of you that have probably only remember this part.
What is so much more valuable to remember however, is this conversation:
Harry and Sally do of course in the end have sex, and fall in love.
This isn't an isolated case by any means.
In 2011 the two Black Swan actresses managed to use their lesbian screen time fame to land roles in identical rom-coms.
'No Strings Attached' and 'Friends With Benefits' both shared the same conclusion as Harry - the only thing that gets in the way of a friendship is sex. Of course, I could've been told this before sitting through painful hours of watching Justin Timberlake getting to know Mila's Kunis...with my parents.
'If the sex thing is already out there, the friendship is ultimately doomed.'
There's no ignoring what Harry says, although largely a male perspective it shines a surprisingly all inclusive light on the situation. In wholly disregarding his theory, I'd have to be implying that all forms of natural attraction and sexual chemistry we find in the people we meet are blinded by friendship.
I challenge any girl to say 'Oh, is Brad Pitt good looking? I see him as a friend.'
I don't care if you're the best friends in the whole world, no amount of friendship bracelets or secret handshakes create a big enough friend-fog to make those abs disappear. End of.
Oh and apologies to my male readers:
...tits.
ANYWAY, you get my point.
If anything, should we find ourselves suddenly attracted to a person, surely them being someone who's personality is so appealing to us that we've chosen them as a close friend - the friendship itself will only be a catalyst to the attraction.
That said, perhaps the members of the opposite sex that we do choose to be our best friends must be in some way initially attractive to us. If that's the case, then we're actually setting ourselves up for the inevitable every time.
Can Men and Women be Friends...if there are no Benefits?
Although Harry insists that the sex thing is always already out there; until the two friends actually have sex can you really be sure of what it means?
Unfortunately, biology is not on womankind's side for this one.
When a man has sex, afterwards he drifts off into mental cloud of sleepiness, sandwiches and Fifa. At which point he must retreat to solitary Man Island for a while.
When a woman has sex however, she is afterwards left with a rush of dopamine as well as a whole cocktail of hormones that make her suddenly attached to the man she's with. I like to call this the 'Cavewoman Coma.' This is because we're genetically hard-wired to cling to the potential father of our children and thus can't help but feel this haze of irrational gooeyness - regardless of the guy.
It looks a little something like this:
This evolutionary problem creates an epic grey area, because it can leave very little disparity for a girl between love and sex, especially when you're dealing with a friend who you essentially already 'love'.
In spite of this, many of us still manage to walk around in the real world after having casual sex without any Ron Burgundy-esque outbursts the whole next day.
"Veronica Corningstone and I had sex and now we are in love!!!"
(Although to be fair, he did do her on a rainbow...)
With this in mind, you can't blame the sex alone. Although Harry and Sally couldn't be 'just friends', she was in love with him long before they ever had sex; not to mention long before he realised. My point is that whether we choose to let ourselves think about it or not, from great friendships there is always the possibility of great relationships. Sex or no sex. We're just all a little bit too scared to find out.
This doesn't mean that all friendships are relationships waiting to happen, but simply that a man and a woman who both have enough chemistry to make a friendship are inevitably prone to consider the wider possibilities. Whether it's a fleeting thought or a 7-year itch, oddly enough no healthy friendship can exist without it.
This doesn't mean that all friendships are relationships waiting to happen, but simply that a man and a woman who both have enough chemistry to make a friendship are inevitably prone to consider the wider possibilities. Whether it's a fleeting thought or a 7-year itch, oddly enough no healthy friendship can exist without it.
That's my thoughts and I'd love to hear yours. Please let me know if anyone has any other ideas and I'll be sure to incorporate it.
Hope you liked it and will be looking out for my next post - an interview with a very promiscuous North Londoner on a very tricky subject...
Hope you liked it and will be looking out for my next post - an interview with a very promiscuous North Londoner on a very tricky subject...
Olivia Jane
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Apparently I have nothing better to do than read and respond to your blogs. A said indictment on my life I'm sure. But really well written and interesting again. Just some points in response:
ReplyDeleteIf you believe that opposite or same-sex attraction (as modern ideology dictates) is wholly (or partially) sex oriented then it figures that any kind of attraction to your sexual preference might loosely be based on sexual attraction. But that doesn’t explain friendships with the sex you’re not sexually attracted to. In short, surely attraction can exist without sexual pretences and be platonic. If you take Ancient Greek civilisation for example, it was common place to love friends and was encouraged. But, thanks to a backlash of predominantly Christian and Islamic religion, it’s become less and less appropriate to integrate feelings of attraction between sexes. Attraction to the opposite sex must be sexual and ‘attraction’ to the same sex must be non sexual. Consequently, it makes sense that same sex people you hang out with are friends and opposite sex should be in (or trying to be in) a relationship. Obviously, it is necessary to differentiate between a member of the opposite sex you can say hi to and share a few moments with and someone you meet up with one to one.
There shouldn’t be a problem being close, one-to-one friends with the opposite sex. This becomes clear when two members of the opposite sex are in separate relationships but meet up with one another. Exposure to the opposite sex can be very beneficial for differing points of view and help you in your own relationship.
The problems really arise when there are hidden intentions. For example, a boy might enter into friendship with a girl for the purpose of it becoming more. This is like spending a lot of time with a mass-murderer because you might eventually want someone else killed. You may as well knock on their door at 3 in the morning and play the theme to dirty dancing on a boombox in the rain or cut off your genitalia and post them to the 'love of your life' in a pretty box, with a ribbon (though I consider both acts equally disabling). There’s no easy way out of the labyrinth that is the friend zone and you might as well battle the minotaur blindfolded, with one hand tied behind your back whilst giving Queen Latifah a piggy back before forming one of these pseudo-relationships.
Problems again arise when coming out of a relationship. If the break up isn’t mutual, the circular issue ensues whereby, much like a dog going after its own tail, one party chases the other ardently to no avail. This can seem a good investment in time (after all, the tail seems so close) but when you think about all the bitches on heat you’re missing out on, you’ll wonder why the fuck you ran around the living room for hours on end every day, when there was an abundance of better breeds hurtling around in the park you used to enjoy so much. This seemingly derogatory and frankly sour tasting metaphor does fit its purpose, though, I’ll admit, it fails to incorporate the idiosyncrasies of man and the fact that sometimes you feel like all the women in the world aren’t good enough. That all their lips have the same empty taste; all their bodies’ skin has the same dry feel and they have the same mundane personalities. Like the girl you want is an oil pastel canvass in a gallery of pencil drawn stick men. This crippling, naive cognitive processing is a twisted plague, as the antidote necessary to quell it is your own conscious.
ReplyDeleteIn short, if you become friends to be friends you’ll be ok. It may develop into more, but in the same way the ignorant, inbred proletariats they dig out from the dusty abyss of any council estate just outside civilisation often declare to the likes of Noel Edmonds: ‘I came with nothing, so I’ll leave with nothing’; there is little to lose this way. If however, you mislead the person in question as to the purpose of this pseudo-friendship and open the 25 proverbial boxes, you could land the £250,000 or more likely you’ll need to invest in a lot of Kleenex – as it’ll have a dual purpose for the next few months of your miserable life.
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