I hope everyone is keeping safe.
Usually my excuse for forgetting to blog is because I'm too busy, but unless you count making pina coladas and having staring competitions with my cat - then right now is not a busy moment. (yes, he wins every time)
Since the news came out about us all being in lock-down; I have taken this opportunity to be mature, adaptable and calm. For anyone who knows me, you'll be aware of what this really looks like. I went full psycho. One could only liken it to the reaction of a telenovella star discovering that her husband has been cheating on her with her sister.
First came the tears, then the screaming, then of course the denial, bargaining and all other stages of grief. Acceptance took it's sweet time, but came in the form of realising that Amazon Prime is still a thing. If I can still have eyelash enhancing serums that don't work, I still have my liberty.
Before you all decide I'm a complete monster, it's important to note that I did actually do some guilt in this process. I am Jewish, after all. The gene for guilt gets passed down to each of us from our grandmothers alongside a chicken soup recipe, a pair of Spanx and a ticking clock inside our uteri. But I digress.
However guilty I felt about being so totally miserable to be stripped of my precious freedom, I had to keep thinking about the NHS doctors on the front-lines literally exhausted saving all of our lives. Not to mention those attached to ventilators. My hero friends Shier and Sarah who have been my personal Net Doctors for late night games of "what's that on my foot?" and "am I dying?" have been battling to save as many people as they can under impossible circumstances.
So of course, I feel like a total asshole for moaning about staying in. Because I am. But it is what it is.
Now, I don't have a medical degree - or any degree to speak of unless you count reaching level 1939 on Candy Crush - but one thing I can speak to for the public is how this is affecting our love lives.
Every new announcement that has come through has quite literally felt like I'm personally being pranked. It's like Boris Johnson said "What does Liv Geisler love most? Let's really fuck with her. Not only is she not going to be allowed to go to Nandos, but let's separate her from her boyfriend too. Wait wait, let's also not allow her to pet dogs in the park!!"
In the light of all this sick humour, the government has given couples two options: move in together, or don't go near each other.
I am so sure that my boyfriend and I were not alone in feeling abundantly awkward about this proposition. It's like that feeling when a drunk relative comes up to you at a wedding and asks when you're getting married. You just kind of awkwardly look at each other, laugh and then go to the bar.
BUT THE BARS ARE CLOSED PEOPLE.
So instead, you have to make the decision to either rush your relationship into early retirement and be together ALL THE TIME or separate altogether. The funny thing is, we were actually going to move in together this week. My boyfriend went full Notebook and built me a dressing room, complete with Beyonce quotes on the wall.
The trouble is, I had visions of swanning in from work after busy days, cooking pasta together, doing laundry together and kissing goodbye at the front-door before leaving for work. (Obviously This Will Be An Everlasting Love by Natalie Cole would play in the background of aforementioned fantasy)
The reality right now though, is that if we moved in together for the first time under these circumstances it would look VERY different. It would largely be me watching him watch the Avengers for the 5th time that week while deciding whether to suffocate him with a pillow or just throw the bastard off the balcony. That is, of course, if he didn't get me first with a bread knife I forgot to wash.
So, for the health and safety of all parties concerned, we've had to isolate separately. And it is not easy. I miss him like crazy. It turns out he's actually having a lot of fun at his parents house, but that's neither here nor there.
For all others who have found themselves socially isolated from their partners, here's some ideas which have worked beautifully for me so far:
1. Have a date in your cars. Park in an empty car park two spaces away. When he says something you disagree with, you can honk your horn at him.
2. Text him sweet, fun things throughout the day so that he doesn't forget about you. Some of my favourites are "I haven't shaved my armpits in weeks" and "just because we're apart doesn't mean I won't tell you about my period pains."
3. Video chat his mother whenever possible on Houseparty. That way when he walks into the same room as her he can get a little fright. Good to keep 'em on their toes.
4. Whenever he calls, act out of breath like you've been on a run. All men love a chase.
5. When you FaceTime, say things like "who's a handsome boy?". If he responds well, then great. If not, then you can pretend you were talking to your dog.
That's all from me for today, keep safe everyone!
The Geisler