10 Things I Hate About Tube

I’ve worked in North London my whole life. Well, not as a child but believe me I was working the play date scene of North London back then too.

It’s fair to say I had a pretty great gig going. I would roll out of bed and get straight into my car that was strategically parked as close to my front door as possible before setting off a burglar alarm. 

Oh and that car, it was a company perk. A white Audi perk with leather seats and a sound system to really feel Beyoncé’s motives as she sang ‘I could get another you in a minute, matter of fact he’ll be here in a minute.’ Yes you could hun I fully back you.

So I would get to work and park in my lovely designated space that’s been patiently waiting for me all night and walk the 30 seconds to work. Fitbit goals, I know.

Now don’t get me wrong, I did still manage to get out and about on the urban streets of St John’s Wood.

Sometimes I would meet a dog, maybe two on a good day. Other times I’d see my best friend’s Dad who would smile and offer me coffee. Things got really fast-paced when I’d get chatting to the staff of Panzers deli about the pros and cons of kosher Haribos.

I was wrapped in the thickest layer of cotton wool and I had no idea.

This all changed when I got a job in Leicester Square.

It was so beyond my remit of understanding that I told people for weeks I was going to be working in Liverpool Street. You should’ve seen my Dad’s face when I told him that I’d be right round the corner from his office...in Farringdon.

Now I’ve certainly taken the tube before, for the odd night out on New Years when its free (not about to turn down anything free am I) and to go to art galleries on the weekends. But in the rush hour? No one could’ve prepared me for that.

I should have seen the signs when literally everyone I know reacted with explosive cackling when I told them I would be working in town. I just assumed they were excited to meet me for after work drinks?

My first week of work was during that completely unreasonable heatwave in the summer. Picture me: on the 40C Bakerloo line physically stuck to the nearest 5 people like a melted packet of gummy bears. 

I pull out my phone and through blurred vision text my boyfriend to tell him that the 60 year old man opposite is definitely giving me sex eyes and I need help. Turns out he just had a lazy eye, but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s been a few months, and I’m here to tell you that the tube and I have not bonded. We just don’t like each other in that way. 

I know the bible says ‘love thy neighbour’ but to be honest I’m not a Christian and I have nothing but red hot hate for my commute neighbours.

So here we have it...10 Things I Hate About Tube:

1. People hovering over my seat hoping I’ll get off soon. Sorry mate, but unless you look pregnant or old you can save your pressure eyes for someone whose mother raised a pussy.

1. People FaceTiming their relatives WITHOUT EARPHONES next to me. It’s 8am and I do not need to be making eye contact with your Aunt Sheila and hearing about how she's getting on with her blood-thinning medication. (Fine, by the way but she gets tired earlier)

1. Please.Stand.Clear.Of.The.Closing.Doors. They say it 20 times a day and some prick still decides to act like a dog out of a car window to see what happens. What happens is I miss my morning meeting.

1. People who stand there with their mouths open catching train flies. I know this is petty but close your mouth or I’ll throw my Oyster card into it.

1. Children climbing on me and their parents laughing. If you’re not my friend or family, I have no obligation to find your spawn cute, please place your offspring into an overhead locker.

1. That guy last week who fell asleep on my shoulder. I don’t think I need to explain this one.

1. People playing music on their phones. This is not Capital radio, you are not the resident DJ - kindly fuck off.

1. Sober people eating on the tube. I will always be loyal to my drunk comrades, but if you’re stone cold sober and eating a takeaway on the tube you should really be analysing your life choices.

1. This train to High Barnet is now terminating at Mill Hill East. May as well have an Uber driver tell me that he’s gonna drop me off at the nearest park rather than at home.

1. One sudden jolt and I’ve once again flirtatiously fallen into the lap of a nice Indian lady. Maybe I should be on the list...

So there you have it. But it’s not all bad. For one part, I wrote this whole blog on my commute home. I can drink as much as I want after work and even meet people ‘in town’ on a work night. I also get to bustle through queues and look busy which has always been a favoured past-time of mine. And those neighbouring commuters, well sometimes one of them smiles at you and it really sets your day off right.

Besides, no matter what kind of journey I’ve had, if you ask me where I work I’ll proudly say “Leicester Square, the commute is so easy!” 

So there you have it,

Join me next time for similar punny posts like ‘How To Lose My Job in 10 Lates’ and ‘Petty Woman’.

The Geisler