Seems pretty harmless, right?
This is in fact one of the most sinister messages that a girl can receive from a boy.
Sure, it seems friendly and sweet but take my word for it, this shit is psychotic. Lock your doors and alert your small Jewish (guard) dog, because you have fallen victim to a Penpal...
I know what you're thinking, "Aww Penpals, I remember those from school."
I'm sure you have adorable memories from your little buddy Alfonso filling you in on what the bratwurst is like in Germany (wheey) but this is a far more serious matter.
A Penpal is actually a hybrid breed of Fuckboy. Imagine, if you will, that they are the Skunks of the Fuckboy world. They seem cute and fluffy but all they do is surround you in a confusing stink.
Let me break this text down for you:
This is a text received by a Penpal after a weekend in which he didn't take you on a date. You probably haven't heard from him since Friday. You think to yourself 'Oh, he's probably with the boys, i'll let him get on with it because I'm such a cool, easy going girl and guys love that.'
NOPE.
The reality is, this boy has probably spent the whole weekend out looking for other girls, and after a few failed attempts has resolved in texting you late on Sunday so that he can get a bit of attention and feel good about himself. If it's been more than a week and he hasn't asked you on a date, he is not going to.
Men are fairly direct, albeit hairy, creatures. If they want to take you on a date, they will take you on a date. It doesn't matter if you're busy the day they suggested, or even if you are on the other side of the world. If a guy likes you, he will get on that Eurostar, intercept your scary Dad and take you for a beautiful Nandos like you deserve.
So, how do you detect if you're dealing with a Penpal?
a) Aimless Messaging
This is the first true sign of a Penpal. They will message you irrelevant small talk, ask how your day is, what dressing you had on your salad, but they will never ask you on a date. I can guarantee the absolute closest is 'we should do something sometime.' Which FYI, is not a date, so put your Nandos card away and go sit in a corner.
Honestly, the aimless messaging is truly the first indicator of non-committal behavior. Imagine if Romeo had stood under Juliet's balcony and shouted "Hey babe, you kl? Nice Instagram pic."
I don't know about you, but I would not be in a rush to poison myself over that shit.
b) They only message you during non-social hours of the day
The original Fuckboy
It seems like a strange one, but you'll notice that they can message you all day while they are at work but during the times where they could actually be doing something fun, you're out of the picture. Please note, a drunk text is not the same thing. Answering a drunk text is literally the digital equivalent of being most okay-looking girl at the bar during last call. Oh, and with delivery. Considering they'll forget your name by the morning, you will be officially demoted to Deliverwho.
c) Sparsley making you feel special
A Penpal is a very intelligent and calculated Fuckboy. It's important to understand that their goal is to keep you hanging around in case they ever need you. It's like you're a spare box of tampons, only nothings going up your vagina any time soon, sorry.
I can guarantee you that he is practising the same game on you as he is a whole mezze platter of other girls. Fuck I'm hungry, I digress.
Without ever showing you too much attention, whenever a Penpal thinks he may be losing you in his roster of back-up girls, he will throw you a little bone (no, not literally unfortunately) and do something subtle such as liking your profile picture, or tagging you in a video of a dog eating a watermelon.
The amount of times I've had friends squeal at the dinner table because 'Sir Fuckboy Penpal III' has commented on their photo with some inane comment or the prestigious 'like' is becoming a truly sad tale.
If you want someone to like all your photos, then add your Grandma on Facebook or give your best friend a kick up the ass for not performing. This is not what you need from a man.
So in conclusion, if you suspect that you are under the influence of a Penpal, just cut it off. I guarantee you, any boy who is spending that much time messaging you without asking to see your glorious, date-able face is not going to be your future.
I know it may feel like you have something to get excited about, but really you just have a virtual boyfriend. You are better off getting a Tamagotchi.
All that time you spend picking out the perfect Emoji to send him (sassy waitress, always) you could be doing something interesting with your life like working out, volunteering at an animal shelter, or more importantly getting black-out drunk.
You know those nice guys who you always ignore because you're busy waiting for a message from your long-lost Penpal? How about give them a chance, you might be surprised. Or they might be really weird or have that thing where they get white bits on the corner of their mouth, your call.
I'm off to go back to the sexual tension building between myself and the 'family sized' Dairy Milk sitting on my desk,
Wishing you all a prosperous Friday of blocking people's numbers (insert sassy waitress emoji)
The Geisler
xxx
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