How To Spot A Fuckboy

So you've started dating this new guy and you are absolutely convinced he's ~*the one*~.

You know, because he is tall, good looking and you've pictured your wedding day on the first date and in that scenario he makes such a funny yet touching speech in his little tux. Just the normal stuff.

The reality is, however, that more and more women every day are falling victim to the fuckboy. It's like cystitis of the heart. 

What is a Fuckboy you ask?

A Fuckboy is someone who acts like he wants something serious and just fucks you around for absolutely no proven reason. Sometimes it may seem that all they want is sex, but more often than not it is the pure joy of confusing you into thinking you're in love and then moving to 1 Yemen Road, Yemen. 

Unfortunately Fuckboys aren't so easy to spot in the daylight, they're like Werewolves only not the sexy kind from that stupid Twilight movie that I pretended not to like. (Slow-motion stripping Werewolves doe #sexualwolfawakening) 

I've decided that the most honorable thing to do is to provide a guide to help you diagnose a Fuckboy. 

1) He only calls you when it's half past 5....

No offence to The Weeknd, but he is one serious Fuckboy. He's only calling this girl after half past five and she's awake? Is she setting an alarm or something? A dick alarm? 

There's a reason why The Weeknd is the backdrop to every University dryhump in the world - he's not looking for anything serious. 

So here's my point. If a guy calls you a) in the middle of the night b) drunk c)both - HE IS A FUCKBOY. During the day he is busy living his Fuckboy life, playing FIFA and buying deep V t-shirts and has absolutely no time to speak to you...but as soon as he's horny/drunk/in bed your phone is having an epileptic fit. If his penis had more dexterity, I can almost guarantee it would be physically calling you itself. 

FYI, if you are defending him to your friends saying 'he's always working late' or 'he likes to hear my voice before bed' then you my friend, are a lost cause.

2) He doesn't like to put labels on things

Any guy that tells you he doesn't want to put a label on your relationship does not see it as a relationship. He is probably dodging the label makers of all of the other five girls he's seeing. If he keeps eating meals with you and having sex with you then unfortunately you are not a girlfriend but actually a Bed and Breakfast. I hope he is at least rating you well on Expedia. Whether or not he's in it for the sex, or he's lonely sometimes or whatever it was, he is just fulfilling his trade as a fuckboy and he will never put a label on anything. Trust me. 

3) He communicates with you predominantly over Snapchat

If a guy really likes you, he will call you. He'll call you and ask you how your day has been and listen to you talk about your avocado halloumi wrap, and then he'll ask to take you out for dinner so he can hear more about it. If a guy Snapchats you one liners like 'whats up' and ESPECIALLY if that guy is quite clearly shirtless then he is a Fuckboy and you are now his Snap Queen. Snapchat is the lowest form of communication and if the best he can do is send you a picture of his face with some tanning filter on it that he could have very easily sent to 17 other girls at the same time then for all you know it wasn't even mainly meant for you. You could be having a one sided relationship with someone's Snapchat - it is genuinely possible. 

4) 'We' guys

A 'we' guy is a guy who makes loads of imaginary future plans with you to make you think he is serious. 

"We should see that movie sometime"
"We should go to my villa in Cannes"

"We should go fruit picking while I stroke your hair and tell you how pretty you are"

...and so forth.

We guys are Fuckboys in disguise, trying to make you think that you are going to engage in cute coupley activities together.Don't get me wrong, some guys actually do mean it when they say these things. I'm not suggesting that next time a guy says he wants to take you to Winter Wonderland you should go all Elsa and start throwing ice at him. But it's the 'we' guys who have no intention of actually seeing you in the flesh/outside of their house who are trouble. The more extravagant the imaginary plan, the more likely he is going to ghost. Which brings me to my next point...

5) Ghosting 

Have you ever had a guy act so obsessed with you that you need to physically detach him from your asshole - only for him to just poof one day? No one knows why Fuckboys engage in this sport so frequently. I once dated a guy who may as well have proposed on the first date. I'd literally just met the boy and he was telling me how much his Mum would love me and he can't wait to introduce me to all his best friends and he is so excited to settle down. I was drunk enough to go with it without vomiting on him, but I digress. End of the date comes and he literally kisses me like Jack kissed Rose at the end of Titanic, similarly enough, he may as well have drowned afterwards. The boy ghosted like nothing I have ever seen before. Full Casper. Even if this Fuckboy does ressurect from the dead a couple of weeks later to Snapchat you saying 'yeah you' - GET RID. I am not in the business of reviving Fuckboys from the dead and you shouldn't be either.

So to concluded, these are pretty much the easiest ways to spot a Fuckboy in the wild. Don't get me wrong, they can be good for a bit of fun. My sister says I have a very high tolerance for Fuckboys but that's mostly because I'm usually fucking with them a bit too - forgive me for picking up a racket. 

So if you're not into Fuckboys, then turn your phone off at night, don't expect a relationship from someone with the emotional intelligence of a grapefruit and just move the hell on. Or don't, up to you - but don't come crying when there's no dial tone in Yemen...

That's all for now,

The Geisler